Well today was quiet melancholic. Not only because I was riding on the train doing nothing but letting my thoughts go but also because of some other things I came across today. I finished reading Oyasumi Punpun, which is a quiet depressing but very genius manga. This is not going to be a review I just wanted to hold on to some thoughts about it, and about other things, that were overlapping with it for some time now.
Well this is what I'm thinking:
I think being human and living in a working society - well i do think a working society (working for everyone I mean) is indeed possible - is really goddamn complicated. It can't be dealt off with an "everyones stupid", "nobody cared for me" etc. I think being able to interact with other human beings is a really complicated thing and way too many people are taking this too lightly. And because of that are not only hurting but also influencing their environment in a rather bad way. Because if you would want to communicate right(ly?) you'd have not only to think about everything you ever want to say to someone - but also control yourself. Which is -I personally think- the hardest thing to do. You not only have to control your words and actions but also re-actions on what your obeverse(? Gegenüber) is saying/doing to you. Then, and only then you'll have a working communication, that is not going to hurt anyone and will - depending on your intentions of course - a positive outcome on society as a whole.
Well and this is the point: Do we want or even Do we need this?
My opinion is: Yes we fucking do because not many people seem to notice what their influence is while they are telling people things or saying jokes or stuff or whatever (and this is continuing on the media level, which is giving us negative impressions of others on a daily basis. which is then again reflected in our intercourse with others - well this is another topic i guess).
Then again I also don't wnat to control myself all the time. This is not what I perserve to be free this is not what I want in my daily life. (Well I probably have to because in our system there is nobody to controll us but we, gladly?)
And there is my conclusion:
I love not making sense. I love not being logical. I feel this is where inspiration and creativity is coming for. But I also love to care about people. Damn I love people! Eventhough most of them have been assholes to me 90% of my lifetime. I love how logical desicions make sense and can influence others in a good way. I love making a difference and- eventhough it indeed is frightening- knowing that we all have power and influence above something. And still we don't have any control on how big that influence is.
You see this is the thing: We can't be without contradictions in ourselves, without paradoxons so why don't we fucking start to appreciate them? Not everything has to be thought through that's the magic in our being. But there has to be reason behind some things, ideologies, stuff anyone is telling you. Find that reason for yourself. If you can't - let it be. Don't support any opinion, when it doesn't make sense to you. Tell what doesn't. Speak out, because this is the only way you can express yourself to the counterpart. Sometimes both ways are right and true and you are free to choose which one you like best. But don't supress the other one, because they're right equally but sometimes there only one way and if you think the person next to you is going into the wrong direction don't shut up - call out to them.
And this is not even my final argument. You know I have been asking myself over and over again what it means to be happy (well who hasn't right). Guess what: I don't know. I don't even know what the fuck happiness is. I am fucking happy to get to sleep after a long night where I was happy meeing some friends, communicating .. well just doing stuff. Happiness is maybe a construct invented by some psychologist or philosopher. i don't know. To me it's a mood, sometimes a challange. Sometimes all around me, sometimes so far away I think I will never be able to meet it again. Those times feel lonely, yes but they pass just like every day passes. Not giving a shit about your existence. Well who does? Maybe your parents, maybe your friends, maybe your lover. Do you have those things? Do you even need those things? There are not there every second are they? And even in a second you can get so lonely you just want to make everything disappear.
But those friends? Those loved ones? Yes even those parents? Guess what they all have worries (that are probably similar to yours) and they all want someone to put all their attention to you just like you do. Like we all do actually. And look at yourself who are you putting all your attention to? Well, who are you doing that favor to you expect someone to give to you. Probably nobody. I surely know I don't. The only, the one and only thing/person/being in this goddamn bigass universe, who is being and forever staying with you is yourself. Be aware of that every damn second of your life. Whenever you're lonely: Remember it's not you it is like every person on this goddamn planet. And nobody seems to care. Well so fucking what even when nobody does care - you do. You should. You're everything there is. That's the secret.
And I personally think this is the meaning. To make yourself the most enjoyable thing to yourself because this is where true "happiness" or whatever you call it (i prefer not-loneliness) is coming from. From within yourself. It is so easy. Be honest, be as open/minded) as you can because when you are - and then you're accepting yourself the best you can - there is nothing just really absolutely NOTHING that can touch you. No insult, no manipulation can reach through. Because you know who you are and you know you're belonging there. If you're not where you belong, well guess what: change it! Little by little just change. And you will get brighter and if you do, everything around you automatically will.
And if there is something like a meaning to this whole existence thing. I think it is not to impress anyone but to be the most interesting person you can be. For yourself - to yourself. Not getting bored is the best achievement and it will keep up your skills and your mood and your social life.
I'm not sure how I am going to look on this 3 years in the future but right now I am certain that "interesting-ness" is probably the most important thing in life.