Donnerstag, 18. Dezember 2014

Fooling around in winter


It was just before winter and people had an uneasy feeling about what would be coming at them. Winter was never easy and even more so in war. Little children were playing on the empty streets as I looked out of my window. Oh, how I longed to play with them, but I had to stay inside and save calories. Eventhough had some bread-cards left, nobody knew whether we would get our portion of food and it was already about 0 degree, counting in the European Celsius, of course. I was not entirely sure about that though, since we sold our last thermometer at the black market. But I was guessing so, because my sister, Lena, was lying on the bed, her skin steadily turning blue as she tried to get herself at least a little clean with the snow she had collected outside just a few minutes ago.
"Everyone is dead, everyone is dead, only Marie they left." She mumbled almost singingly.
She came closer to me, her body blue, naked, barely any flesh left on those bones. Lena wrapped me into her cloak. She did that every evening. I tried to tell her, that I was already warm enough and that she should keep those to herself, but she didn't want to listen. Instead she layered me up with all the pieces of clothes she had left. Luckily we had some extra pieces, since Mama died last week and also left us an extra bread-card. But I felt guilty seeing my sister using all that extra clothing for my sake.
When Lena noticed herself in the mirror, she slowly teared up and started screaming. She did that every time. "Oh, what a misbuilded being I have become. What an ugly monster!" She hit herself a few times against her own stomach. I tried to tell her that it would only increase her calorie consumption, but she never listened to me. I was shocked how it didn't even move me. My sister used to be a very beautiful, kind child after all. She was celebrated and well known. But war changed everything. It made her steal, it made her take the life of others, it made her sleep with wrong men. And hunger did the other part. Making her ugly and weak.
While Lena was crying she picked up her scissors and cut off her hair. She looked at me: "Is this alright? Yes? I am so sorry I couldn't get any food today, but those bastards didn't have anything left for us! At the black market they wouldn't even take my soap. THE GOOD SOAP MAMA LEFT US TO SELL WHAT ELSE WAS SHE GOOD FOR? Why wouldn't they take it, Maria, why would they reject me?"
I was a little worried about the scissors Lena was holding. On the other hand I knew she would never leave her little sister alone on purpose. Not in winter. Not in war. We survived this once, I tried to whisper, we can do this again. Encouragement, though, never worked, because we all knew, the whole time, that every hope we gave ourselves, every optimistic thought we told – they were all lies. Lies that kept us alive. But sometimes they just didn't work out and hope couldn't compensate the hunger. Now was such a moment, I noticed, when my sister took out a kettle and started to melt the soap. Again she turned at me: "Everything is going to be fine, ok? I will make a great meal today." She shouldn't do this, I tried to communicate, she would just poison herself. But she never listened. Lena sprinkeled her hair into the soap. Her warming glance, the one she had while singing lullabies to me, when I was a kid, was about to fade. My sister took a spoon and ate a little from her odd soup. She swallowed it with force. Immediately she puked on the floor. I hated seeing her like that, but all I could do was trying to roll my eyes to express how predictable that action was.
Lena started crying. My older sister was shaking and screaming and shivering and hewing the ground aimlessly. Slowly her cry turned into a desperate laughter. She looked at me. She laughed. She seemed determined.
I had only seen that look once, when the letter came, telling us how sorry the goverment was to lose a great soldier and friend to the German army. Mum and sister looked empty, but Lena had something in her eyes, that made her look confident at the same time. That's when she promised to protect me with her life. With all her might. And that look there. Facing me right in that moment. Was the same and I knew she was doing the right thing, Yes, I tried to tell her, I tried to scream at her, I tried nodding but why, god, why couldn't I move? Why did she never listen? My sister came up to me, whispering: "I'd rather kill myself than giving in and eating my own little, dead, sister. I am so sorry. I knew your death had a purpose. I know you wouldn't want it to be in vain. I am sorry. I am weak. I can not do this." That's when she began stabbing her guts just like I did with mine.

Montag, 13. Oktober 2014

30 Days Supernatural

More like 30 years!

Now, that I've got a little free time, I thought I'd revive my blog a little and I had a little challenge going on a view... actually it's really been over a year now, that I have done my last Supernatural Entry.. well fuck. Let's continue right here and right now!

Montag, 4. August 2014

Thinking by yourself

This is the last Page from Harald Welzer's book titled "Selbst Denken - Eine Anleitung zum Widerstand". It translates to "Thinking by Yourself - A Guide to Resistance", its Author is a soziologist and I haven't seen this in English yet. I won't review it but I though the last 12 Points might be interesting and universal even if you haven't read the book (which kind of reminded me of the Zeitgeist documentary I postet some years(!) ago)

12 Rules To A Successful Resistance

1. Everything could be different.
2. It is only up to you, wether something will change or not.
3. Because of that - take yourself seriously.
4. Stop agreeing with everything.
5. Resist if you don't agree.
6. You have a lot of room for action.
7. Expand the limits of this room where you are and where you have influence.
8. Cooperate.
9. Expect that you will be thrown back - especially to throwback yourself.
10. You don't have to take responsibility for the whole world.
11. The way your resistance looks, depends on what options you have.
12. It also depends on the things you enjoy doing.

Dienstag, 24. Juni 2014

Back to poetry

A beautiful Lie.

As for us humans – I don't think there is any more left to us than self-pity.
And I do believe this is a beautiful word. Funny isn't it? How language can create such contradicted impressions. You can live the beautiful lie of a sound or understand the meaning behind it. But in The very moment you do – something dies.
Something is fully and inevitably interrupted.
You can't go back there. You have the information, that was enough to kill the lie.
The lie
is dead.
And so is the beauty? Well is it? Can you believe there is something more to a word than its meaning? Can you believe in the truth and the lie at the same time? Well most of us do.
Eventhough it is a paradox. We do. Maybe we don't realize it, but we do live the truth and the lie – both at the same time. Our "world" is basically the same word as "paradox".
Or at least this is what I am telling myself
over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. This
is my
beautiful lie.
It doesn't help me.
I just took
the l away. Out of this word.

Mittwoch, 7. Mai 2014

My Lovecraftian Relationship

When did you first discover Lovecraft?
I guess it was 2012. I have started to watch the BBC Sherlock series and did a little research on "The Hound of Baskerville". That's when I found out, that there was a writer who did a 'poem' called "The Hound" which was the first story I read written by Lovecraft.

What got you reading Lovecraft after you discovered it? What kept you reading?
Actually after some more research I have noticed, that there was A LOT of popular culture, which referred to many elements of Lovcraft's works. So this was basically my motivation to keep on reading. So I kept looking for (and easily found) other short stories on the net. The English is a little difficult though, so I bought my first book in German and in contained "The Best Of Lovecraft" so those stories were verrrrry well written, so I kept buying stuff.

What element of Lovecraft’s writing is so appealing to you? Why?
I guess it is how he perceives the world. It's not a writing-style but rather the thoughts behind his "world-concept". The greatest thing I have experienced reading his works is actually, that he showed me a way of thinking/looking at the world around me, that I haven't even thought of before. If I had to name the element, which is appealing to me, I'd say it is the philosophy.

What’s your favorite story by Lovecraft and why?
For a looong time it was "The Color Out Of Space", because I just loved the idea of something unimaginable. Also this story reminded me of Junji Ito's environments. I always felt like I was in one of his stories, reading The Color (which is not surprising, because Junji Ito was inspired by Lovecraft himself).
But right now it is "The Silver Key" only because it has the most philosophical thoughts to it and shows a lot of Lovecraft's universe.

What’s your least favorite story by Lovecraft and why?
I don't think I really have one. But I remember I was a little bored while I read "The Alchemist". I guess because this was one of the first stories i have red and I read it in English and it contained just sooo many names (which I am rather bad with especially in books).

What is your favorite character in the Cthulhu mythos? (creature, protagonist, the meteorite from Color Out of Space, etc.)
"The meteorite from the Color Out of Space" is a good one, actually I really did like it, but I never thought of it as a character. I'd proobably choose either Randolph Carter from "The Silver Key" or the protagonist (couldn't find his name sorry) from "The Shadow Over Innsmouth", who was really cool. This was definetly the most exciting story I've read so far.

If you could see any of his stories converted to a different medium (play, movie, mini series, video game, etc.) which one would you like to see? Why that story? (Keep it mind it’d be a faithful adaption.) Also, who would you put in charge of making it and why?
Actually I can imagine almost all his stories made into video games, they all have this "explorer"(by which I do not mean INTERNET EXPLORER..duh) theme to them and that's basically what many RPGs are made for: to explore the world/setting. I also think this way you can get the most out of the animation/creepy feeling. I'd love to see "The Shadow Over Innsmouth" or "The Dunwich Horror" made into a movie adaption, I believe it IS possible to create those things well with todays movie-technology.
I myself have read/seen/played a lot of different mediums based on Lovecraft's works. Personally I think that comics fit the stories best but I haven't given up hope on the computergames yet.

(Questions stolen from eheheh)

Dienstag, 11. Februar 2014

"You're both twisted." - "And that's what we want."

Well today was quiet melancholic. Not only because I was riding on the train doing nothing but letting my thoughts go but also because of some other things I came across today. I finished reading Oyasumi Punpun, which is a quiet depressing but very genius manga. This is not going to be a review I just wanted to hold on to some thoughts about it, and about other things, that were overlapping with it for some time now.
Well this is what I'm thinking:
I think being human and living in a working society - well i do think a working society (working for everyone I mean) is indeed possible - is really goddamn complicated. It can't be dealt off with an "everyones stupid", "nobody cared for me" etc. I think being able to interact with other human beings is a really complicated thing and way too many people are taking this too lightly. And because of that are not only hurting but also influencing their environment in a rather bad way. Because if you would want to communicate right(ly?) you'd have not only to think about everything you ever want to say to someone - but also control yourself. Which is -I personally think- the hardest thing to do. You not only have to control your words and actions but also re-actions on what your obeverse(? Gegenüber) is saying/doing to you. Then, and only then you'll have a working communication, that is not going to hurt anyone and will  - depending on your intentions of course -  a positive outcome on society as a whole.
Well and this is the point: Do we want or even Do we need this?
My opinion is: Yes we fucking do because not many people seem to notice what their influence is while they are telling people things or saying jokes or stuff or whatever (and this is continuing on the media level, which is giving us negative impressions of others on a daily basis. which is then again reflected in our intercourse with others - well this is another topic i guess).
Then again I also don't wnat to control myself all the time. This is not what I perserve to be free this is not what I want in my daily life. (Well I probably have to because in our system there is nobody to controll us but we, gladly?)
And there is my conclusion:
I love not making sense. I love not being logical. I feel this is where inspiration and creativity is coming for. But I also love to care about people. Damn I love people! Eventhough most of them have been assholes to me 90% of my lifetime. I love how logical desicions make sense and can influence others in a good way. I love making a difference and- eventhough it indeed is frightening- knowing that we all have power and influence above something. And still we don't have any control on how big that influence is.
You see this is the thing: We can't be without contradictions in ourselves, without paradoxons so why don't we fucking start to appreciate them? Not everything has to be thought through that's the magic in our being. But there has to be reason behind some things, ideologies, stuff anyone is telling you. Find that reason for yourself. If you can't - let it be. Don't support any opinion, when it doesn't make sense to you. Tell what doesn't. Speak out, because this is the only way you can express yourself to the counterpart. Sometimes both ways are right and true and you are free to choose which one you like best. But don't supress the other one, because they're right equally but sometimes there only one way and if you think the person next to you is going into the wrong direction don't shut up - call out to them.
And this is not even my final argument. You know I have been asking myself over and over again what it means to be happy (well who hasn't right). Guess what: I don't know. I don't even know what the fuck happiness is. I am fucking happy to get to sleep after a long night where I was happy meeing some friends, communicating .. well just doing stuff. Happiness is maybe a construct invented by some psychologist or philosopher. i don't know. To me it's a mood, sometimes a challange. Sometimes all around me, sometimes so far away I think I will never be able to meet it again. Those times feel lonely, yes but they pass just like every day passes. Not giving a shit about your existence. Well who does? Maybe your parents, maybe your friends, maybe your lover. Do you have those things? Do you even need those things? There are not there every second are they? And even in a second you can get so lonely you just want to make everything disappear.
But those friends? Those loved ones? Yes even those parents? Guess what they all have worries (that are probably similar to yours) and they all want someone to put all their attention to you just like you do. Like we all do actually. And look at yourself who are you putting all your attention to? Well, who are you doing that favor to you expect someone to give to you. Probably nobody. I surely know I don't. The only, the one and only thing/person/being in this goddamn bigass universe, who is being and forever staying with you is yourself. Be aware of that every damn second of your life. Whenever you're lonely: Remember it's not you it is like every person on this goddamn planet. And nobody seems to care. Well so fucking what even when nobody does care - you do. You should. You're everything there is. That's the secret.
And I personally think this is the meaning. To make yourself the most enjoyable thing to yourself because this is where true "happiness" or whatever you call it (i prefer not-loneliness) is coming from. From within yourself. It is so easy. Be honest, be as open/minded) as you can because when you are - and then you're accepting yourself the best you can - there is nothing just really absolutely NOTHING that can touch you. No insult, no manipulation can reach through. Because you know who you are and you know you're belonging there. If you're not where you belong, well guess what: change it! Little by little just change. And you will get brighter and if you do, everything around you automatically will.
And if there is something like a meaning to this whole existence thing. I think it is not to impress anyone but to be the most interesting person you can be. For yourself - to yourself. Not getting bored is the best achievement and it will keep up your skills and your mood and your social life.
I'm not sure how I am going to look on this 3 years in the future but right now I am certain that "interesting-ness" is probably the most important thing in life.